To my friends and friends of friends and anyone else who has had a baby within the last two years….I'm about to share some unsolicited parenting advice. I know it's annoying, I try not to do this, but this is important.
Did you know christmas is coming!? For my friends with newborns, I know you haven't slept or left your house, so that may come as a shock, but relax! You were why they invented amazon prime. Also, to take some of the stress off, I have the perfect gift idea for your new baby. AND there's no shipping or gift wrapping, yay!
What did you already have on your shopping list? How long will it be until those gifts have accumulated enough dust that you decide to sell them on craigslist?
-Toys? 0-6 months before they break
-An exersaucer? 3 mos. tops, maybe up to 9 if you use it for your next 2 kids, after which it will be so nasty you will have to burn it.
-The perfect stroller? (This has always been my weakness) we’ve had ours for 8 years now- and it is finally about to fall apart.
I'm not saying these gifts have zero value, but what if i told you there was a gift that would really last? Not only for your child's entire life, but also your grandchildrens, and great grandchildrens, etc.?
Not an antique heirloom, or a college fund...better
Give up?
Your marriage.
When i became a mom, all of my friends were still busy being in their 20’s. I jumped into motherhood with few mentors, and relied mostly on the internet and ‘parenting experts’ for advice. I made so many mistakes! I also had this amazing, surprisingly wise husband, Adam, who i mostly ignored.
Our first few Christmases, I insisted on getting the baby a gift. We couldn't really afford gifts, so i would usually get some cheap toy or book that he would lose interest in after a few minutes. I loved getting presents growing up, and i literally could not WAIT to share that joy with my son. Adam grew up with a more grounded perspective, though, and didnt understand it. I disputed all of Adam's great arguments to skip the baby present. Like, that our son didn't even know it was Christmas... He didn't really care about the present...That he couldn't even OPEN the present...And that we buy him stuff all the time....
One day i was at a bible study, and somebody said something that horrified me. They told me in a list of priorities, a husband should come before children.
How dare they!
Adam is completely self sufficient. He knows the ways of the world, he’s an excellent chef, and he's great at his job. He does not NEED me the way my children do. And every parenting expert everywhere says that children have to feel loved and nurtured. What would happen to their self esteem if my kids didn't feel like the top priority in my life? At this early point in parenting i was overwhelmed by the responsibility of my new role, pressured to do everything right, and convinced that Adam would not miss me if I used all of my time taking care of the baby. I was so wrong. He was lonely AND pissy.
But in the back of my head was lurking the old truth that marriages take work, and how much work had i been putting into mine? In a rare moment of long term thinking I wondered...what would my marriage be like after a few years of Adam feeling unimportant to me? How about when my kids don't demand my attention (i promise this will happen someday!)? Would we have a marriage left if I put it on hold for 18 years while i figured out how to be a mom? Any of you (and statistics say that's at least half), whose parents are divorced know the pain. I was a grown up (technically) when mine split and i forgive them. I still feel the pain, though, of lost family and broken promises...
what about when i try to promise my kids that their dad and I are different? Almost everyone else in the family tree broke their vows, can you blame them for wondering if Adam and I are any different? Statistically the odds are against us...and if we fail, then we transfer those odds to their marriages too. How much harder is it to model a healthy marriage when you didn't grow up in one?
One thing Adam has always been better at is thinking ahead. I know it's hard to stare into the future with someone burning up your energy like a MAC truck, but we must! Did you even acknowledge your husband when he came home from work today? Did you take the time to tell him how much you love watching him learn to be a dad? Or praise him for all the great things he does for your new family?
Or did you embarrass him in front of his friends for putting the baby's pants on backwards? And make him feel incompetent for not following ‘the’ bedtime routine?
Somewhere between child 1 and 4 I learned how important it was to show respect and listen to my husband...turns out, he has great ideas! Which happens to be part of why i married him in the first place. So this year, I chose not to buy our baby a present. We decided take that money I was going to spend on his useless piece of baby crap-err, I mean-present, and go out for a night on the town. I love our dates because we can relive all the memories of when we first met, and remember we are still hopelessly attracted to one another.
I know you’re tired. I know it's hard to feel sexy when you were up all night, have spit up in your hair, and you lost your lipstick and eyeliner in the bottom of the diaper bag. I’m right there with you, except now i also have an eight year old watching me- looking to see what I'm willing to do to stay in love with his father. And you ARE sexy to the one and only person who really matters! So ladies, please! Dust off your high heeled boots. Dig through the drawer to find your push up bra. Hire a sitter or beg a grandma to stay with the baby, and take your hubby out for a night out on the town. Invest in your marriage, for your family’s sake, this Christmas.
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